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My New Superfood Is Gonna Save The World

Why stop at superfoods like blueberries when you can discover new ones? Credit: Nolan Hester

Why stop at superfoods like blueberries when you can discover new ones? Credit: Nolan Hester

I’m browsing the superfood aisle at Whole Paycheck, wondering if the companies that sell these products just discovered they’re super or they’re food. They discovered they’re superprofitable — that’s for sure. High in antioxidants or other powerful nutrients, their chia and hemp seeds, cacao nibs, maca powder and goji berries are going for $18 to $25 a pound. And South American acai, camu and maqui superfruit powders sell for a whopping $80 to $138 a pound! Apparently there’s nothing dense about the marketers of nutrient-dense foods. But since there’s no USDA certification for superfoods, who’s to say my maca’s not mediocre?

I don’t see any scientists using the term “superfoods,” and critics say there are plenty of whole foods that are really and truly nutritious. Still, there must be some authority deeming these foods so super. I’m picturing this superfood czar in a corner office of the jungle surrounded by mountains of seeds, berries, roots, nuts and nibs with a big, red rubber stamp that says, “SUPER!”

Hey, I’m as good a judge of super as the next foodist. Maybe I could cash in on this new cash crop! I’m thinking the best way to do it is to discover my own superfood. First I’ll pick a country — one that’s outside the superfood spotlight yet has vast jungle offerings. There are already Brazilian and Amazon superfoods; Incan, Andean and Aztec superfoods; Turkish, Persian, Kashmir and Chinese superfoods; Mediterranean and African ones, too.
Hmm … Bhutan might work. It’s got amazing biodiversity with the Himalayan mountains, rainforests and jungles and is still largely untouched by the West. They must have something I could forage to make my fortune. I can already see a jungle-to-table logo on the packaging. And since the Bhutanese are Buddhists who coined the term, “Gross National Happiness,” they should be pretty chill over my intention. But berries and seeds are so last year. Wouldn’t it be neat if I could find a berry and seed superfood in one? A berryseed would be the super-est food ever!

The Koch sister of sustainability

Yep, I’ll swoop into Bhutan, find all the berryseeds, form a corporation, get the local women to harvest them, create a women’s cooperative, and then donate 10% back to them and claim my company is all for their benefit. Ooh, I like it. I just need to get Fair Trade, USDA Organic and Rainforest Alliance certifications, and I’ll be on my way.

Adair Seldon in Cascais, Portugal. Credit: Niles Seldon

Adair Seldon in Cascais, Portugal. Credit: Niles Seldon

It shouldn’t be too hard. I’m sure there are lobbyists swarming that corner jungle office. I can hardly wait to hobnob with the palm oil-maker mucky-mucks at trade shows in Indonesia. I’ll be the Koch sister of sustainability. I’d hate to give up this lucrative career as a food blogger and all, but the world is awaiting my product for health, healing and happiness — all while benefitting an underserved community — me!

I’m thinking I’ll sell more product if I can pinpoint exactly what it’s so super for. Maybe I’ll search for a berryseed that curtails lethargy in women. What a lofty, pro-planet goal! When my superfood cures this debilitating symptom, women will have enough energy to make the same wages as men. Yessss! After the Bhutanese women spend a few back-breaking seasons picking and harvesting my berryseeds, lethargy in women and income inequality will be totally eradicated! First I’ll empower the Bhutanese women — then I’ll empower every woman on the planet! Watch out, world! Women are coming to save humanity from Greedy Guy Syndrome!

Well, I better get packing. Let’s see … gardening gloves, mini shovel, BPA-free container for my berryseeds and, oh yeah, my Dzongkha Bhutanese dictionary. I wouldn’t want to say anything culturally insensitive when I demand access to my berryseeds. I want the Bhutanese people to know I understand and respect them — that we’re all equals on this sacred planet. Well, except for women. But with my berryseed twofer, we’ll be one soon enough.

Saving womankind feels great! I don’t know why I waited so long! Really, you should try it! But pick another country for your superfood. Bhutan’s mine.

Main photo: Why stop at superfoods like blueberries when you can invent new ones? Credit: Nolan Hester



Zester Daily contributor Adair Seldon is an award-winning advertising copywriter, humorist and fair-food advocate who has parlayed two of her greatest pastimes -- overthinking and overeating -- into the blog Lentil Breakdown. Whether praising a pea or appraising the planet, this wry culinary inquisitor brings it all to the table.

10 COMMENTS
  • Judy at Two Broads Abroad 7·17·14

    Thank you for my morning laugh.

  • Nancy Rose Eisman 7·17·14

    You very, very funny lady. Hope someone altruistic exploits your superness ASAP.

  • Stephanie Weaver, The Recipe Renovator 7·17·14

    Thank God you are going to cure lethargy in women so we can finally make more money! Awesome post, freaking hilarious.

  • Kelly @ Tasting Page 7·17·14

    Oh Adair, you are too quick witted. Love it!

  • Dorothy at Shockingly Delicious 7·18·14

    Super schmooper. I’m not buying it until it is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I’m counting on YOU to get us to that level. 🙂

  • sippitysup 7·18·14

    You’re the Super Hero(ine) of Super Foods! GREG

  • Laura @ Family Spice 7·19·14

    What a super-article, Adair! You are so witty and great with words.

  • celtsalt 8·5·14

    Oh, dear Adair, you are hilarious! but right on target. Thanks for creating out loud tee heeing during my night of dark insomnia. Hope you are snuggling down in your bed this night. Namaste’

  • TasteofBeirut 9·14·14

    Thanks for making me laugh every time Adair! Waiting for you to get on the New York Times. Hey, how come they havent discovered you as the next super columnist?? Take care.

  • Patricia@FreshFoodinaFlash 3·24·15

    Adair, you are so funny AND clever. Love your writing.

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